Stan Post

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was – a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket…

So, I goes up to him and said: “Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes…the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote…

But hey, I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner….

My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I’d give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, “No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”.

After a hard day’s work, a lady was enjoying a quiet cocktail at the bar when the door slammed open and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever laid eyes on walked in.

Tall, muscular and astonishingly handsome, with sparkling blue eyes and thick dark hair, the woman couldn’t help but stare. The man noticed that he was the object of the woman’s attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.

Blushing, she prepared to apologise for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear. “I’ll do anything,” he whispered in a deep, soft voice. “Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever dreamt of, for fifty dollars. There’s just one condition…”

Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, “You only have 3 words to tell me what you want to do.”

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. Scribbling her address on a napkin, she folded it around the fifty and pressed it into his hand, leaned over and whispered into his ear….

“Clean … my … house.”

3 Men were sentenced to 25 years of solitary confinement. As a concession, the governer allowed each of them to take one item into his cell.

The first guy asked for a pile of books; the second for his wife; the third asked for 100 cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the 25 years, the first prisoner was released and said: “Those books proved immensely invaluable. I’ve studied so hard I can now train to be a lawyer. I’m really happy.”

The second man stepped out of his cell, with his wife and 5 new children. He smiled, “My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I’m so happy.”

And the third guy said: “Anybody got a match?”

A blonde needed to earn some much needed cash, so decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went up to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs she could do.

“Well,” said the owner, “you can paint my porch. How much would you charge?”

The blonde replied, “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50

“And by the way,” the blonde added,

“that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”